Festive
Maybe I should safety pin a sprig of mistletoe to my panties.
My neighbors may hate me by now. I have boys on either side and I trust that they enjoy whatever moans or screams penetrate my fairly thick walls — honestly, don’t you wish you lived next door to me? — but I’m not sure how they feel about the Christmas carols.
I have them playing tonight loud enough to wake the dead or certainly any scrooges in the immediate vicinity. For someone who has long since made peace with her damnation, I have an awful lot of Jesusy carols on my playlist.
Oh holy hell, Christmas Card from a Hooker just popped up on itunes. Okay, fast forward. That slipped into the playlist under false pretenses. I love me some Tom Waits but he’s not very holly jolly.
Oooh, perfect! The next song up is Baby, It’s Cold Outside. This is my favorite holiday song of all! I need a dapper man in a fedora to sweet talk me and swing me around the dance floor.
I can’t believe how festive my apartment looks! I just finished decorating and now I’m relaxing with a cup of apple cider. Prudence was supposed to drive up to help me decorate, but she sprained her ankle and I just couldn’t wait any longer. I thought about inviting a man over to at least put the lights on the tree for me, but I decided it might be fun to give the whole self sufficiency thing a whirl, for once.
Well, clearly I just wasn’t designed for a life of self sufficiency. The lights are passable, if a bit twisty. But the star, now that I’m sitting down and looking at it, is seriously askew. Actually, the damn tree looks tipsy.
Eh, fuck it. It’s jaunty.
I have snowflakes and lights on my windows, red mercury beads on the bannister, and a sprig of mistletoe over my bed. I’m looking coquettish in a sparkly pink t-shirt and the kelly green I Love Santa panties my Spy Guy sent me. Somebody better come fuck me before I go on a present bender and rip into all the presents under the tree! And if I do that, a couple of my sweet santas are gonna be very, very angry.
Only you can prevent a Christmas disaster.
